revelation

Its been a really long time since I blog..

just reading about our first argument 3 weeks into our rship.. 3 months into our rship, he proposed, and I actually said yes. Had a whirlwind romance, which ended about 3 weeks ago..

I keep thinking of the times we had together then.. Why did I think that he loved me? Why did I trust him so much.. why did he then hurt me so much? was it silly to have be so sure of him then? of coz on highsight, it was silly of us to be talking about marriage just 3 months into our rhsip..

i feel so betrayed by him. after all the talk about love, commitment, future, wedding preps, it can all go away so quickly.. its terrible.. I feel really numb nowadays, not knowing how to feel anymore. how can man be so selfish?

While I'm angry, disappointed and really sad with his actions, another side of me keeps telling me that its not totally his fault, that he went into depression, that his family is very domineering, that he didnt understand me, and vise versa.. all these little factors I know played parts in our rship failure, but it pains me that a person can change so drastically.. From he being so sure that I was the one, to him actually contemplating that I'm not God's will for him. (just because a friend said so)..

Its so painful.. all my friends & family have been so supportive.. but its still hurts real bad..
Church today was so painful. My emotions now are in ruin..I cant control my tears, but i dont want to cry in front of others. I really want to escape.. I wonder how to... any suggestions?